Lump in my throat

Tonight we went to our church to see ‘the best of 2007’. I expected to sit back in my seat and enjoy a look back at the year’s best experiences, some of which I knew I would recognize from seeing first hand.

For starters, and I think I’m right here, there was a new guy, Ben Ngoma, on the music team. A new vocalist. And I could swear he was at the orientation meeting I went to months back. Now if I’m wrong on this, you don’t need to comment me or email me to get me right. God uses my ignorance and stupidity all the time like that. When I saw the guy with the dreadlocks singing on stage my heart just leapt. Here’s why.

At one point (blog titled “shoe for brains”) I came to the conclusion that I was not getting called back and I was cool with that. And God got me off myself. Got my mind off myself and praying for others. I began to pray for all those who had been called, as well as those who had not. Especially those who had not. I figured, I’m almost 40 and cool with the fact that this is not where my foot is gonna land and it doesn’t matter because I know this is home and God has a place for me somewhere. But not everyone’s roots have tapped that yet. And so I was especially praying against discouragement, or bitterness, in the hearts of those who wanted to give up or quit just because they took this step and didn’t go anywhere. I prayed that someone would come alongside them. That they would read Shauna Neiquist’s book Cold Tangerines and be encouraged to keep on keeping on as I was. And I prayed for those who got called back right away. Though I never want anyone to go through the wilderness, my years there have taught me some priceless principles I could not have learned elsewhere. Would not have learned elsewhere. Would not trade for anything. So I prayed that this moment of open doors would strengthen them for the wilderness when it comes.

That’s why when I saw Ben on the stage, my heart just jumped. I totally worshipped God. I sang so loud and high my guts were soaring. I wanted to dance. (and I can’t) I raised a hand then started thinking about the people around me and put it down. Then forgot about them and put it up again, then thought about them and put it down again, then… well you get the picture. I was so… happy… because I seriously believed in my heart that I had prayed for Ben. I don’t really know if I did or not. Doesn’t really matter. I believe God was using it to soften my heart. When the song was over I hollered out like he was my best friend and I wanted to give him a high five. I’m sure the guy doesn’t even know me.

After he sang, the rest of service was led by Kem Meyer and she took us through several snippets of services from the year; that much I expected. They were terrific; that much I anticipated. But at this one this one point while she was talking, she said something about leaving the comfortable place and going where God wants you. I’m pretty sure she was talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than where God was taking me. It was at that moment I got a lump in my throat, and literally started doing the chant, “not here, not now, not here, not now”. I was going to break down and cry like my overdramatic 5 year old daughter when she can’t find the one pink shoe to her new Polly Pocket she got for Christmas. Yeah, just like that. Only quieter.

Fear came screaming to the surface.

When I got the call back email, like I have said in the other blogs, I just knew it must’ve been a mistake. The last time I wrote about this I think I even said posingly,”Even if the email was a mistake, I’m gonna walk in there with my karaoke cd and sing to those guys…” or something to that effect. For the record, that was pure unadulterated posing.

I am scaredstifffrozedstupid, for lack of a better word.

Still sitting in the service, choking back the tears, all I could think about was when Jesus came walking to the disciples on the water and they were terrified because they didn’t recognize Him. I just wrote in my journal, “Terrified.” And that’s about it.

“God hold me,” I said. “I am so scared.” It’s like reality finally set in. I don’t really know what I’m afraid of. Not failure, I’ve done that before. Not making a complete fool of myself, done that before too. Used to it. In fact, I just paused as I was sitting here and I asked God, “What am I afraid of anyway?” Silence.

Don’t you just love it when He does that?

Then I heard… “success.”

Yikes. That is scary. Afraid of succeeding??? Not success like I would think, or would have thought. Success like I would have thought would have been comfortable, easy, and familiar. But I have learned that success in my relationship with God, in my journey with Him is anything but those. In fact it is often the antithesis of those. Often it is challenging to my core (uncomfortable). Frequently, it forces my weaknesses to the surface like weightlifting, or parenting (anything but easy). And He is constantly full of surprises (kiss familiarity good-bye).

And though I hate to blog it, that’s what I really want. Vitality. Energy. I want my steps to require dependence on Him. I want my journey to be of His choosing. I want to know that I am being led by Him, not by whim, and not by me.

So again, God has removed some pith and gotten to another layer. And as usual I’m undone, disturbed and disquieted. And at this point I usually work hard to relate this to someone outside of myself. You. But this time I’m leaving it where it is. I’m not packaging it up and wrapping it up for you. I’m leaving it here.

I’m not finished. I’m a mess. My journey with God is like a snow globe. Only it’s a snow globe that right now tends to look prettier when you don’t shake it.

When God shakes my world with these tiny vibrations, all the ugly dust in my soul goes flying about and my eyes get cloudier than ever. So much so I can barely read my Bible.

But somehow He filters it out.

Thanks for joining me in the journey and reading.