Living with Mr. Perfect

There’s this guy I know, he talks to me almost every day.  Drives me nuts.  If he were a twitter follower, I’d block him.  If he were a facebook friend I’d nix him.  But it’s not that easy.

I have to learn to live with him.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I am striving to follow God and nothing, or no one, else.  I am learning in my life just how easy it has been to follow someone else:  Mr. Perfect.

Mr. Perfect is an over-inflated egomaniac.  He’s part of my personality (no, I’m not schizophrenic) .  I believe he started with a desire to improve, to grow, and to develop as an artist.

But somewhere along the line, he got out of control and down-right mean.  Somewhere along the line I listened to Mr. Perfect when he said, “Sit down.  Shut up.  You aren’t as good as so-and-so.  You know it.  Your gut has been telling you this for a long time and you’ve never listened.  It’s time to listen.  Sit on the bench.  Get outa the game.  Clam up.  Shut up.  And wise up.”

Told ya he was mean.

Perfectionism is common.  I think we all have a little of it, some more some less.  Artists seem to have it in great supply, but it exists in everyone.  Either it is pointed at the mirror or it’s pointed at others.  I honestly believe it is a gift and it neutral.  Left alone it can become very dark and have an evil effect in our lives, like it has in mine.

I like to call it “Mr. Perfect” and give it a persona because then I can put him in his place.  You need to understand just how powerful he has been in my life.  Mr. Perfect can literally keep me from the things I love most.  Writing.  Music.  Relationships.  Creativity.  The list goes on.

If you have your own Mr. Perfect (or his wife, Mrs. Perfect), you know the routine.  Anything you do comes under his scrutiny.  He can find the one thread out of place in a huge tapestry, and convince you the whole thing is a mistake.  He can kill a song because of one wrong note.  He can steal your energy.  He can shut you down in relationships.  He can take away the safety your friends are trying to give you.

In my life, Mr. Perfect has kept me from making music.  He has, and still does, keep me from writing.  But he’s beginning to lose his prominence.  That’s why I’m writing this post.  So you can know him in your own life, and follow Someone Else.

I believe each one of us is stamped with the Divine Fingerprint of God.  Part of that design and stamp is to have a desire to grow, to improve, and do our best.  Just like every desire, if it is not surrendered to the power of God it can become dark and foreboding, menacing and maniacal.   But if he’s put in proper rank in our lives, he can actually be a friend and help us achieve our ultimate goals.

Recently I was practicing some music for church.  While I was going over the piano part I heard a voice.. or had a thought… “you know… you can’t play as well as you-know-who.  Why are you even trying?”  And I said back, “Wait a second… the person you mentioned has been playing a lot more than I have, give me time.  And besides, you will always find someone who plays better than me.  I don’t need you reminding me of that.  That is not what it is about anyway: who’s better.  This is about God and playing for him and being the best I can be.  God is not interested in ranking.  In fact, he condemns comparison thinking.”

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original. Galatians 5.24-26 (MESSAGE)

Perfectionism run amok goes against scripture.  In the minds of some people, perfectionism compares itself to others to win.  Let’s call it Perfect Winner.  It says, “At least you’re not as bad as that person.”  I get hurt by this just like you do, when someone corrects you for the clothes you’re wearing, the hairstyle you choose, the version of the Bible you like, the songs you sing (or can’t sing).  Perfect Winner people have few real friends because they tend to alienate others by being so critical.

In others, perfectionism compares itself to others to lose: Perfect Loser.  This has always been my tendency.  It’s odd.  On the outside it sounds more… christian. (It’s not.)  This kind of perfectionism says, “You’ll never be as good as that person.”  It sounds like humility, but really it’s poison.  God says clearly “not to compare ourselves with each other as if one were better and another worse.”  Perfect Loser people have few real friends because they tend to alienate themselves from others by being afraid to open up.

I have asked God to take Mr. Perfect out of my life so many times.  I have seen the effect of listening to him and I have regretted my times of being locked in a closet as a result.  At the heart of Mr. Perfect is really pride.  Either he’s out to prove to himself he really is all that and more (trying to run from the awareness of his own frailty) or he’s out to bury himself to remain safe (because he’s trying to avoid his deepest fear, failure.)  When in reality, knowing our frailty is essential to having a vital relationship with God.  And overcoming fear is only done by failing at small things and learning you can go on, you won’t die, and God will not reject you.

Again, what God says on the subject has power to liberate the captive and set things in the right order:

This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God’s love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.  My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. 1 John 3.16-20 (MESSAGE)

Um, yeah.  If you’re like me and struggle with Mr. Perfect of the Perfect Loser variety, that phrase “It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even where there is something to it” probably jumps off the page.  If that’s you, spend some serious time loving others.  Get your mind off yourself and get available for God.  You might actually learn something about His love for you and others.

And if you struggle with the Perfect Winner syndrome… guess what… spend some serious time loving others.  Get your mind off yourself and let others come alongside you.  You might actually learn something about His love for you and others.

Seeing a pattern here?  Me too.

So I know that Mr. Perfect is never moving out of my life.  I think he needs to go on a diet.   He’s gotten really, really fat in me (probably because I feed him my attention and my choices too often).  I want to use the gift of perfectionism for what it was intended: to enjoy giving my best to God and finding His best in others.

By the way… I had to tell him to shut up just so I could write this post.

Go love others.  Start now.